I'm really into asian looking animals
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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