Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
