you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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