I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
