i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
