Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
false alarm, still single
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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