Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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