Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
