We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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