sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
