Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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