I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
