I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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