Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
