Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
