White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
