I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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