Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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