Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
