God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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