He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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