You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
