I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
