I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
