i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
