I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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