So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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