Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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