mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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