wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
