he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
