Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I deserve this hangover.
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