I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
