Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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