I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
