hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
