Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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