matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
