I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm passing your future prison.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
