Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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