Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you never un-have a 4some
Oh god it's open bar.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
