i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
