you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
