Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
