im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
