Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
