I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
