he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The feeling are messing with the penis
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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