I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Randomize
