Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
